Was I groomed? (It's a lot)

2022.01.18 03:36 rinnzan Was I groomed? (It's a lot)

When I was just a kid (6-8), I always acted sexually towards my stepdad. It's disturbing and I hate to think about it. I don't know why I acted that way. If he was sleeping I'd try to kiss him or cuddle with him. I don't think it was because of the things I saw in the media when I was younger but he also molested me once when he was drunk. Being drunk isn't an excuse for molestation, I don't care if people don't know what they are doing when they are drunk. But you only act that way when you have hidden intentions and the alcohol gives you more confidence to do it. We also went in the bath tub together with my younger sister. I was 7 I think and my sister was 5? I can't remember if we were both naked and my stepdad was in the tub too with only his underwear on. I discussed this matter with my mum the other day and she said she remembers it very clearly. She said that when she saw him in the tub with us she looked directly in his eyes, disgusting and he looked like he knew exactly what she was thinking about. That night he molested me, it only went on for about less than 2 minutes. He put his hand in my shirt and massaged my nipples then trailed his hand down my stomach to my crotch. He didn't insert anything but that's the most he did. I felt that it was weird so I left straight after and I wanted to tell my mum but I didn't. Thats all remember from the past.
I broke up with my 'ex' in July last year. I was 17 (I'm 19 now) when we started dating and he was 25. We first met when I was about to turn 14 and he was 21 I think. We met through his dad because his dad and my mother were dating. And he had two sons, the now 27 year old and his younger brother who is 22. He was very quiet and a bit cold at first but he began to warm up. We started to get close, talk more often and he used to buy me my favourite cakes and stuff and we used to go to the movies together. Randomly one night he texts me confessing his love for me and how much he cares for me and hates to see me sad. I obviously rejected him cause that's fucked up to say to a minor and we didn't talk for 3 days until he apologised. Until I turned 17, he was just another person living in the house. But then I started developing feelings for him because he was being a bit flirtatious and affectionate and spoiling me with things. One night me (16 at the time) and my sister (14) went through his search history while he was taking a shower and all it was was 'Indian sorority highschooler, Indian stepsister, stepsister' porn videos. I forgot to mention my ethnicity so I'm half Indian and the fact that he specifically searched it up like that is disturbing. A day after that I asked him about it and his excuse was that he's into kamasutra. A bit after that we were planning to go a different state for a 3 day vacation with my sister but he only wanted it to be me and him (and so did I at the time but I was giving into the grooming I...guess?). So he went to my mum and asked her if he can take my sister somewhere first and then take me somewhere later so it can be fair for the both of us (when in reality he just wanted me to himself). She obviously said no cause she knew something was up. We would always watch anime or shows together in his room nearly every single night and one night I caught him fapping under his blanket. He didn't know that I knew but you could easily tell from the hand movements underneath the blanket. He also didn't have pants on if I remember correctly. About 2 months after that, he told me he had bought vodka and if i wanted to have some while we watched shows or whatever. I accepted and we went into his room and watched movies and I got drunk. I started being affectionate and playing with his hair and he took advantage of that by cuddling me and holding my waist. I ended up falling onto his chest and the next thing you know he's kissing me. He let's go and he says "so are we just going to pretend this didn't happen or.." and I said no. He then told me that he had liked me all this time. Then we kissed some more and cuddled and then we went to our seperate rooms. We started dating and literally a day after we started dating he didn't hesitate to fondle my boobs. Obviously I gave him permission but he wanted to touch me so bad. We booked the vacation secretly with just the two of us and we went. Turns out even if we weren't dating, he would have gotten a one bedroom hotel either way and he was going to buy alcohol. He didn't want my sister to get in the way. After the vacation he moved to my friends house, and he moved to his friends house. He would engage in watching disney movies with me (which is fucked up) and a few months later shit started to become toxic. My mental health was deteriorating and I was severely depressed. Instead of helping me through my time of need, he would invalidate me, calling me crazy and a psychopath and making me watch videos of children starving in Africa in order to make me 'realise' that my problems are inferior compared to theirs. Which is somewhat true, because they have it worse but that does not invalidate my mental health. He even started to follow women online and he has an east Asian fetish. When I used to confront him about it he would threaten to break up with me and gaslight me and acted distant from me around people he knew. Every time I explained my symptoms to him he would invalidate it and just walk away. When I told him I was going on antidepressants he called me weak. He threatened to kick me out multiple times because I wasn't showing up to work even though I worked almost 2 hours away and I was being overworked for an 18 year old. I worked at McDonald's by the way. It started to mess up my ankles because of the long periods of standing. So bad that when I would catch the train home my legs would start cramping and I'd have to limp and try and bear the horrible pain. One time I injured my knee really bad and the pain was getting worse and it was hard for me to walk. I asked him if he could come to the hostpital with me and he prioritised playing COD than helping me get to the hostpital. It was night time and I had to catch the train to the hostpital and walk. Even some random guy asked me about my leg and not even he could do that. When I finally got to the hostpital I was ranting to my friend and she convinced me to confront him about being useless and prioritising his game over my health and safety. I called him and his excuse was 'I work everyday am I not allowed to have some time to myself?' And he began yelling and swearing at me over the phone acting like like was the victim. Fights went on for the next few months and he began completely avoiding me and I could tell he didn't even want me anymore and he still used me for my body. This was when I was 19. Fights got so bad he started smashing shit and throwing things around, throwing things near me and threatening to kick me out and 'experience what it would be like to be homeless'. I was about to go out the door to cool off and he said if I leave then we are breaking up. Months later, I finally built up the courage to leave him. Him invalidating me once more was the last straw. My mum came all the way to my house and picked me up. My relationship with my mum Severed a little bit because she was trying to put him in prison and I kept yelling at her not to and being aggressive about it to the point where she realised I was a lost cause. I'm so thankful that she was there for me in the end. About a day after the break up he texted me saying 'I just want to let you know that I hold nothing against you and I wish you the best in your life'. That's all he said. He didn't apologise for anything. Every time there was an issue, I always had to apologise. If he was mad, he was allowed to take time off to cool down but if I was mad I wasn't allowed to and I had to apologise. 3 days later he didn't hesitate to start following chick's on social media and feeding his Asian fetish. He went as far as to make a video edit of a kpop idol captioning it 'I love Asians.'.
I forgot to mention that his dad and my mum broke up after we started dating. When I told his dad about everything that happened, he got so fucking mad he blasted him and it took him days to calm down. This whole time my 'ex' hasn't said anything about the relationship to his family or his friends.
Unfortunately we are still somewhat connected because my mother and his dad had a child together. So we share a half brother. I can't take him to court because I lack evidence even though his whole family is witness. I can't do anything right now, it's hard for me to heal or even realise what's going on. But if I ever do come across him again, I won't hold back.
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I’m taking an OB course in California in order to fulfil my deficiency and get a license. For my class I have a 3 part paper to write on a L&D practice of my choice (from a list provided by my clinical lead) and I chose labouring down because it sounded very interesting when it was explained to me.
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Thank you in advance!!!
I also have some questions:
Who would be appropriate for ‘labouring down’ and how do you decide to do this?
Is it only for category 1 pregnancies?
I know there’s always continuous monitoring so the nurses and team would know but are we ever concerned about cord compression? Anything else that we should we concerned about?
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What would be the arguments against allowing a mother to labour down? Arguments for?
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